You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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