I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Randomize
