I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
