Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dick very happy bro
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
