Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
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I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
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He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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