I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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