u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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