Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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