I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
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They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
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Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize