I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
