We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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