Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
