It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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