I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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