i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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