Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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