my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
