I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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