youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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