Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
