you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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