I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
