I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
