I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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