it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
