I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
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I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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