I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
