ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
