After last night, I could never be a politician.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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