Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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