I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
