well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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