i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
