omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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