you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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