wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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