dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?