im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight