he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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