kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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