is your mom at the bar?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
