Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
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I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
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I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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