did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
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I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
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Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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