i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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