Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
