Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
