He asked me if I "almost moaned"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
