$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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