I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
