how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
