I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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