her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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