where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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