It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just blew my weed a kiss
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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