god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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