Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
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He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
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Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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