There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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