Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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