so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
