so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
