I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
